Have I ever mentioned how much I love ladies with smoky voices?
I’m in a commercial vehicle- squashed like contraband goods and wondering if I’m still connected to certain body-parts below my waist as I can’t feel anything. I have ‘I need your love’- Calvin Harris ft Ellie Goulding filtering from my headphones into my mid-cortex and I’m spellbound by the throaty vocal prowess of Ellie (almost like Lana Del Rey). It’s like she is just recovering from a particularly bad case of the catarrh or something. Yea yea, wrong analogy, sue me. I’m also reminded of my one true crush- Blake Lively.
I remember my introduction to Ms. Lively on screen and as soon as I heard her voice I knew I was a goner. I felt like that guy who just scored his first smooch-rapturous ecstasy. There is also Amber Heard; that super-hot babe from Nicholas Cage’s Drive Angry. She has a pair of gravity-defying buttocks so hot I could eat ice-cream off it, granted it’s a bit on the small side. Right, I should move on to the point of this post instead of revealing how utterly disconcerting my mind truly is. Bless my black heart.
Ever been on a queue and had a ‘good looking’ lady walk up to you with cannon balls disguised as chest then in a tiny voice ask if you can take 3steps backward so she can insert her being before you. I usually respond by saying;
“No way twat, thanks to Eve, Adam ate the damn fruit and here we are. So no more allowances. You can’t jump the line, go ask some other loser” then I go on to ogle her chest and dare her to do anything about it.
In reality I usually take 5 steps backward if only so I can enjoy the view but my lack of strength is not the point of the post. Ladies these days think they can play the damsel in distress and wrap us around their pinky fingers while making demands in that ever-so-grating pitch they possess. No-uh! Things have changed. If you want my attention give me a Macy Gray, a Kelis or a Blake Lively……but never a Kim Kardashian and you may just have me lapping at your heels. If you do happen to be a Kim, smoke pot…loads of it. Do be careful not to end up as a Vin Diesel and scare the bejesus out of me.
Ah! My bus-stop finally. What do you know, I still have legs, a crotch and a backside attached to my waist. Gotta go. I need both hands to cover my nose; the road is so dusty that any day now I expect to see fine sand deposit mixed with my excrement in the toilet. I’ve inhaled so much of the damn thing I’m probably housing enough quantity to make a decent sand-storm.
I’m gross, get used to it 😉