Mrs. Ibironke

Hi, Zibah here. This is the concluding part of the robbery post. It contains screenshots of my initial conversation with Mrs. Ibironke (the current owner of my stolen blackberry device).

It starts with me adding my (her) blackberry PIN on BlackBerry Messenger sometime around midnight, drafting the invite along the line of “Hey boo, miss you. Add me up on BBM”. Remember this ‘Aunty’ is allegedly married and inferring from her pattern of speech, her ‘husband’ seems like the kind of man whose invite would read something like “Ibironke na me. Oya press accept”.

By morning, I noticed that I had a new contact and judging by the time of acceptance it happened few minutes after I sent the invite. She must have been shivering in anticipation at the prospect of a “Nigerian Prince” (if you know what I mean). See rest of conversation below; Continue reading

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The Robbery

People get robbed on their way back from an event. They get robbed in traffic. They get robbed by their nannies. They even get robbed at religious houses and weddings. People get robbed period. Yea, people…. Not Zibah. That changed today.

What I tell people happened

I had a buddy visit Lagos, I was occupied through most of his stay and by the last weekend of his visit my elusiveness had edged him into a  maniacal frenzy and he was reduced to threatening my future wife with murder if I failed to make out time to hang out and catch up on things. I tried to get him to understand that I was now popular demand for  desperate and lonely Nigerian newly divorced women and young oil heiress and thus could not make out time from my  elaborate seduction scheme to ‘hang’ but he remained resolute to carry out murder in the future so I thought, what the heck, let’s do this.

 

Set day arrived and we were making our way to a popular bar and somehow got separated, no thanks to the volume of human traffic. Then I noticed a guy trailing me; scruffy, suspicious and generally looking like he needed several slaps. This was his undoing. I had my eyes on him so I was ready when he attempted to slip a hand into my pocket. Quick as lightening, I jabbed 2 fingers in the general direction of his kidney, as he bowled over in pain, I kneed him in his nuts on general principles. Straightening up, I noticed my mobile device crushed on the floor, the man probably succeeded in pulling it halfway out of my pocket and then a speeding commercial bike must have ran over it. It was just a phone that I bought barely 2 weeks ago. No big deal.

 

Po_Kung_Fu_Panda

This version is properly tweaked based on the gullibility of my audience.

Continue reading