The Intruder

In as much as I love my peace and quiet, days like these make me reconsider my sanity for refusing to have a room-mate. I was just on the verge of dozing off when I heard this irritating scratchy sound. I ignored it initially but even mosquitoes that dwell in my apartment know better than to upset me when I’m this close to sleep. I get very cranky and they (mosquitoes) end up without proboscis. I turned and curled up like a ball hoping the sound would just go away but it persisted, this time louder and then it occurred to me. Could an intruder have gained access into my apartment? It sounded like whatever/whoever it is was trying to make as little noise as possible.

I honestly considered pretending to be asleep, let the intruder steal to his heart’s content (it’s always a ‘he’, I am not Bradley Cooper so I doubt chics would break into my apartment to steal my underwear. A good number of them need changing sef) but what if he decides to attack my sleeping form and sketch a Z on my behind like Zorro does to his victims in the movies? I gasp in horror at the mental image of me carved like a dissected lab rat and the emotion jerks me out of bed. Unlike most people who fear paralyzes, fear brings out my imaginative ingeniousness. Ï grab my powerful halogen rechargeable lamp and pray to God that the bright light would turn the intruder to stone like Medusa’s eyes and then I can throw him conveniently over my balcony.

I tip toe quietly along the dimly lit corridor now filled with the light of the lamp. I see nothing at first then something by the corner caught my eye. The intruder turns quietly towards the source of light, cocks its head to the left as if considering how best to attack me. Of course I was rooted to the spot in fear, my eyes glued to the intruder and then it made its move, it spread its wings and I swear I heard it hiss. This action forcefully jarred me to consciousness as I dropped the lamp to the floor and opened my mouth as I pushed my lungs to breaking point as I screamed

“IT’S A FUCKING FLYING COCKROACH”

*sighs* Mariah Carey would be so proud.

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I’ve plans for you Zibah
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Running Zibah

AFRICAN MUSIC APPRECIATION NIGHT

I love music. Granted, my singing voice makes me cringe nevertheless, I have a healthy dose of respect for people with healthy lungs. Holla at Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and even Shayne Ward vocal prowess. With him, I’m a tad confused as my research of male human puberty points to the period when the voice cracks and becomes hoarse. So except Shane Ward is a eunuch, how is he able to carry such high notes (note to self: send a mail to Shayne Ward politely requesting for medical report on his reproductive biology).

Anyway, since I currently reside in Lagos state, Nigeria. I have unhindered access to all the local music and I gotta say artistes like Waje, Darey, Asa, J-Martins, Retta (she is still relatively new to the scene, I love her ‘Tomorrow’ video), Tiwa Savage, Banky W, Weird MC, (she says she’s female, but I need confirmation because I have cause to believe she has the masculine genitalia. C’mon, how else would you explain the serious nigger attitude and the not-quite-visible-boobs plus she doesn’t wear panties) etc make me really proud of Nigerians.

Weird MC
Waje
Tiwa Savage

Some may wonder why the ‘musical hurricane’- Wizkid isn’t mentioned here. As much as I like and dance (yes, I dance) to some of his songs, he feels very Beiber-ish to me i.e. a little overhyped (hey, no angry glare, it’s just my humble opinion). Lately, I have developed a thing for the Akpako master-Terry G *sighs*. While I maintain that the dude isn’t mentally balanced, what does it say of the listener’s (me) mental health? Am I unstable too?

Terry G

Presently, my favest 9ja jams (9ja? who funkified the country’s name-Nigeria anyway? Is it legal? Do I have to update my database to include the name? Answers please) are Retta’s Tomorrow, Tiwa Savage and Don Jazzy’s Without my Heart, J Martins ft Cabo Snoop and Waje- Goodtym and Chuddy K’s Gaga crazy (I especially like the chorus where he says ‘‘…sugar cane no be bamboo, Chuddy K no be baboon….’’. It’s hilarious because he does look like a baboon in my opinion. Nah, i’m just being mean).

Chuddy K

In other parts of Africa, I doff my hat for Stella Mwangi. I like the funky way she sings, I find it strangely sexy. Fally Ipupa (he looks especially like one of the twins from the sensational P-square duo…Peter I think). Cabo Snoop, while he isn’t exactly visually pleasing, he’s got skills to make Shakira go green with envy. Finally, Camp Mulla. I love their club jam- Party don’t stop.

Stella Mwangi
Fally Ipupa

Anyway, what African artiste do you fancy?

* inserts  Onyeka Onwenu Iyogogo Album* Hey! Its African music appreciation night. *turns off lamp*

Zibah!