Hey there, Zibah here, Happy New Year. How has 2014 been so far? Do you feel older, stupider, sexier….different? I bet you don’t. Anyway, permit me to vent about Max. Max is Tolani’s son. Tolani is a single mum. How did I meet her? I think it was at a Ladi’s daughter’s naming ceremony. Anyway for some reason Max has taken to me like a Remora to a Shark, Like shit to ass, like HIV to a prostitute’s cooch, like Jesse to my sensory nerves, like….you get the picture. Anyway, cum the new session Tolani has decided to move Max into boarding school so she can have more time to focus on her business and her romantic life (she is just 29 years old). Max has been super excited about his perceived “freedom” and has been badgering me to narrate my experience about my boarding house life back in secondary school (I went to FGCL, Ijanikin. Lagos) so today I decided to tell him a little evil (but true) story.
I was in JSS 2; tall, good-looking and quite daft. I used to hang my shorts somewhere in the region of my navel (High-waist short thinz hehehehehe!). There was a senior- Akilo who for some reason liked to hassle me.
“Zibah, visiting day dey come. As soon as your mama comot, share wetin she bring into 2. Make one big pass the other. That one na for me. You hear” he would drawl. Although he never quite managed to find me afterwards he always repeated the same thing just before the next Visiting Day. I was usually able to spin some bogus believable story to him whenever our paths crossed subsequently but this Saturday, he was having none of that.
Zibah, I been dey look for you since. You think say you can maragula me shey (Uncle Zib what is maguguka….shhhh! or I won’t finish the story. Ah! Sorry, I wee not talk again).
Akilo: Oya come here, where you dey hide since?
Zibah: Me? I wasn’t hiding at…..ouch! (I had received a slap)
Akilo: You think say you sharp abi? Where my stuffs, you think I will forget this time (did I mention Akilo’s voice was super deep and he was super unattractive? A frightening combination I tell you)
Me: Sniffs and stammers
Akilo: Oya turn (I was expecting to feel the sting of his belt or a wooden pole on my back/backside then…) and remove your boxers too.
Huh! I was puzzled at what my infant backside was to do for him then he brought out a lighter, depressed the pedal and a dancing ball of flame appeared. Oh! I see…barbecued Zibah Butt…served hot, grab a slice. Is he crazy?
Me: Senior Akilo please, I will give you cereals, milk, sugar…anything o
Akilo: Bring your smelley yansh here fool
I removed my boxers half way, effectively exposing my behind and kept on begging. After the sadistic punk was satisfied and had his feel he proceeded to give me several more slaps and sent me on my merry way.
“Max, you there?” I asked while snapping my fingers in his face to get his attention. Uncle Zib, I don’t want to carry fire on my bumbum, it wee be painful and then he bursted out crying. Tolani came into the living room to find out what was going on and tried unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter after I told her. Max thinking he had been conned stopped the waterfall, stalked up to me, punched me in the gut and stormed off. He probably went to ponder on my story. The annoying twat, at least that should keep him busy for a few minutes.
“Uncle ZIBBBBBBB” Max yelled from somewhere inside the house
Sheesh! Already 😦