Jesus Christ and Bruce Lee

On this faithful day I was pursued by a beastly dog and was saved by Bruce Lee and Jesus Christ.

Some days are rather unexciting, this day in particular was proving to be a real bummer so I made a firm decision to do something positively engaging rather than wallow in drudgery and porn (kidding!). I was in Lagos Mainland so I decided to take a leisure stroll through a quiet residential part of Surulere. I have been taking leisure strolls usually lasting over an hour for years, overtime I have developed enviable endurance worthy of embarrassing a camel and challenging those Kenyans athletes that only win marathon events at the Olympics.

The weather was perfect; windy. My selected location was serene and upper class. I grabbed my mobile phone, my wallet and ATM card (never leave the house without cash, I learnt the hard way the day I wound up in the great company of our amazing police officers and had only N75 in my pocket. I became intimately familiar with their station’s interior before the end of the day), shoved my feet into my ridiculously pricey slippers (never smile at a pretty sales girl, they are adept at financial witchcraft) and set out.

I selected “reflective” on my playlist and had a mixture of sorrowful and mind-numbing tunes steal my joy. Lana Del Rey’s ‘Dark Paradise’ was making me think of a team performing synchronized swimming (Trust me the things I think of are equally weird to me too when I read them) when I first heard the growl. The sound barely registered in my consciousness and was promptly dismissed, the second time had me reflexively glance backwards to meet the glare of a monstrous beast trailing me. Its face was rather close to my butt that I could not believe how unaware I was of its presence. I immediately blamed my earphones, this is not the first time it is making me blissfully unaware of danger.

At this point that part of the brain that forcefully takes over as pilot when one goes into shock shoved my rational self roughly into the passenger seat and tuned my legs to gear 5; there was no warm up to prepare me, just the wind whipping across my face and my heart beating like a drum abused by Tito Puente himself. The only message this part of me was responding to was “BLOODY BEAST IN PURSUIT, MUST FUC*ING FLEE”.

……..and now I’m screwed

In the heat of the chase, rationale Zibah noticed folks starting to notice his predicament and stare, Zibah even registered laughter (though I didn’t remember this till I had found safety). Someone somewhere was shouting and asking me to stop running, I remember wondering why his/her mother hadn’t suffered through abortion than bring forth a mad man/woman. Me, stop? NEVER! I ran like my victory was going to give me a rare glimpse of Katy Perry’s bare chest (what other motivation does a man require?).

Several kilometers later………

My chest beating erratically, blood pounding in my head I couldn’t muster sufficient energy to be embarrassed. I had lost both the dog and audience that saw me, Zibah shamed.  After several lung full of oxygen, my wit returned and I resumed position as commander-in-chief of my mind, I suddenly wondered what would have happened if this had happened in a not-so-sane part of Lagos; people would have automatically assumed that a young man running like hellhounds were on his tail bore esteemed title of thief and was in immediate need of a session involving used tyres, petrol and fire. A need the public would have figured was up to them to provide for. If this had happened, I may have been typing this post besides Saint Peter’s desk and trusting MTN would indeed be “everywhere I go”.

I won’t be seeing that street for the next decade, screw leisure walks in that part of Surulere and as for that dog, I hope it dies of liver poisoning.

Faith assured me I would make it, skills ensured I made it. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Bruce Lee.

• Zibah! (2014)

August 22, 2014August 22, 2014 by Zibah! Categories: Zibah!Tags: exercise, Humor, Jungle justice, Lagos, MTN, Nigeria 4 Comments