A new year is a time when we take stock of our lives and; decide to adjust certain behaviors, quash certain appetites, engage in certain activities. There is the old 2013 self and the new improved 2014 self, and Jan. 1 is an opportunity to welcome the new, improved self in. As the New Year starts, we say to ourselves that the new, 2014 self will be different unfortunately, come mid-January, the shiny “new self” doesn’t feel as new. After a few weeks of crashing against reality and old habit, the new self is bruised and sainted.
Anyway, see some of the resolutions that sashayed past my hearing over the past couple of weeks;
- I am going to upgrade my wardrobe and charm the socks off every lady I meet — Joe.
- I am getting a new boyfriend, that no-gooder Bee is just a pathetic, 2-faced lying b*itch— Big sis
- I am going to become a millionaire — Nel
- Zibah, you are going to get me a Toyota Matrix— Big Sis *puzzled look*.
- I am definitely shopping strictly in American stores in 2014, No Okrika henceforth –– A random babe I made the mistake of starting up a conversation with at the mall
- I am going to try and have less sex than usual, maximum of 20 times/month –– Kenny
- I am going to work-out and get hips— Big Sis
- I am eating healthy come 2014— Momma (she made this promise while I was attempting to wrestle my bowl of fries from her evil hungry clutches during Christmas)
- To buy only Givenchy perfume— Random Facebook girl
- To get a set of big buttocks— Oyin Dalmeida
- I will draw closer to God. No pornography— Nelson
- I will invest more in writing— Zibah
- I will poop once a day- Jesse (apparently someone convinced her that it would result in a radiant skin by getting rid of toxins in her system. She had better not carry out that resolution in my toilet)
- I will not drink bear, only gin and vodka— Ebuka
- I will stop having wet dreams of Aunty Nene’s daughters— Pervy Kenny
- I will tithe faithfully— Kunle (He believes this would stop his money from “disappearing” from his wallet)
- I will quit masturbating – Kenny (I pretended not to hear this, there are some things this nigga doesn’t need to know).
- I will hit the gym faithfully- Zibah (…after he discovered….wait for it….”MAN BOOBS” sprouting on his fertile chest)
I heard some rather un-printable ones that I wish I could unhear * mentally casts an evil eyes at Jesse* and some dumb ones that make me question the speaker’s intelligence. Anyway, you undoubtedly have resolutions of your own that you would also likely not keep, for nostalgic reasons, let’s have it in the comment box below.