No Farting


No Farting

Human food sometimes causes very queer reactions in my system. Presently, I have been suffering from severe spates of flatulence/fart (over here, they call it ‘mess’…heavy nasal emphasis on the /s/ sound). I do believe this ignoble disorder was brought on by my consumption of the Yoruba delicacy Ewa-agonyin and dodo (beans and plantain with palm-oil sauce). I believe I even ordered for extra large helpings of kpomo (hide of animal) and Udeme (big stout) to wash it down. I ordered for kpomo thinking it was barbecue bits and udeme assuming it was champagne but instead was served a rubber-like meaty thingy that gave my jaw a workout; its taste wasn’t so bad though. I have no complaint against the udeme, I actually consumed 3 bottles. By the way, the Yorubas occupy South West of Nigeria, a country in West Africa where I’m presently holed up in

A very distraught Zibah had to research for a human solution to my erm…situation. I was able to discover this about fart;

  • Fart is gas from the intestine that comes from several sources: air swallowed, gas seeping into the intestine from one’s blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in the gut. The gas(es) in fart may be Nitrogen, hydrogen, methane (isn’t that the gas some third world countries use to generate energy. Note to self-If this continues, contact their Government and offer a lease of my humble self at a very affordable price)
  • The methane in the fart comes from bacterial action and not from my cells.
  • The odour of the fart is as a result of varying amount of Hydrogen sulphide, skatole, indole (Nitrogen rich compounds) contained in my diet
  • Food such as eggs, cauliflower and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts while beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts
  • The sound of my fart is produced by the vibrations of my anal opening (oh my), depending on the force of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscle of my anus.
  • Fart comes out from my butt instead of my mouth due to peristalsis that forces contents in my intestine to a region of lower pressure which happens to be my anus
  • Everyone farts; Queen Elizabeth, Obama, Beyonce, Nadia Buhari, Obasanjo, Zibah (duh! I’m the one complaining aren’t I?) etc
  • People earn a living through the prevention of farts (huh?)
  • Dogs and Cat’s fart smell really bad (hence, the human joke of blaming Bingo *Bingo is a very common pet name for dogs* when something goes really wrong)
  • Dogs like the smell of human fart and would often walk towards the farter to inhale as much fart as possible  (So when next you blame Bingo, don’t be surprised if he comes over to inspect)
  • Termites have the world’s highest output of fart considerably contributing to global warming
  • The best position for coaxing fart out when having difficulty is to get on all four with your butt in the air while pressing your thighs against your belly
  • Chicks usually deny that they fart

At this point, can I say the Internet can be quite useless? After hours of poring through data, not one solution on how to plug my leaking asshole was found. Anyway, if you are suffering like I am or need more information on farting,  assume the fart position and click here, you may find something useful. As for me, I’m going over to a corner (with adequate ventilation mind you) to shut down and fart away.

P.S. If you don’t see a new post after this, know that Zibah asphyxiated from obnoxious gas inhalation while in a sleeping state.


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